aaagh!

I did it… finally got pay back for bad choices… grrrr!  I am borderline wanting to cry but mostly wanting to kick myself.

I had a week of poor choices that didn’t do me in… not horrible cuz I actually lost weight, gave me a little sense of immunity…

Then I started evaluating my progress and let the enemy get a foothold.

If you are not into “t m i”…

well stop reading here…

I must confess this all because its real and that is who I am.

I am real and I won’t do anyone any favors by pretending this weeks thought process didn’t exist…

if you are looking at me and saying how great and wonderful i am doing on this wonderful weight loss journey…

if you are looking at me and saying how easy it seems…

if you are looking at me and thinking this will be a piece of cake, literally because she confessed to eating cake…

well just because one day at church you look at me and think, Charlotte is melting away … I wanna do it… and then you get into weight watchers or whatever program and end up struggling… well  I won’t be the one to mislead you and take you down the path of… “why is this easy for everyone else but not me”…

I have told you before that this weight loss journey… well it really isn’t about weight loss.  This journey is about submitting to God’s will.  Giving all my choices over to HIM and whatever happens, accepting whatever results I get… ultimately this phase of my life is about letting God work on me … I lack self control and self discipline, God wants me work on that THROUGH HIM.  Not so I can say I am in control but so I can say God has this… HE knows what is best and HE is in control!

Okay here is what you may not want to read… honestly this is real… its what has been going thru my mind and I promised God I would not hold back the lessons I am learning… just put it out there and if you don’t like it, well to bad… ultimately I am typing this to submit to God… this is real… my thoughts were real, my weakness is real and GOD IS REAL and HE WILL OVERCOME!

Here it is:

I was going to quit… because… to be honest…  I was going to quit because I didn’t like my sagging skin.  I don’t like my extra skin.  I don’t like that my chest is shrinking and drooping, I don’t like that I want to buy a new pair of spanks to squish my skin in instead of my fat… I don’t like that there is less of me and I can see where it used to be!!  Sure my clothes look cuter on but I sure as heck don’t feel sexy in my skin!  I keep telling my husband he has to let me know he still finds me attractive.  I keep on telling myself I feel better and have lost more weight than I ever have and keeping it off will be my new goal.  Its good enough.. I sure as heck don’t want to get saggier, I should just quit while I am ahead… RIGHT???

WRONG!!  When I started this journey I put a lot of prayer and fasting into it.  I argued with God.  I tried several different methods.  I had several different theories in place.  What I ultimately committed to… what I felt God was calling me to:

Healthy eating

An active lifestyle

Submitting every choice to HIM

Keeping on weight watchers till my birthday

and A healthy weight of 150.

Things were going great… I am nearly half way there… then the enemy tries to convince me that it is good enough.  The enemy used my vanity.  I was trying to keep myself grounded  by saying I wouldn’t let all the skinniness go to my head, that I would let it all be about God and not about my new look.  Guess what … it still needs to be that way.  Yup!!!  Break through to Charlotte!!  NO MATTER WHAT… GOD HAS THIS!  We talked about it and came to an agreement.  I was ready to walk out because of my appearance… vanity in a different light but still vanity.

Well I am back on board.  So very thankful that God forgives my unfaithful wavering … so thankful GOD has reminded me about why I am doing this in the first place.

I give my journey back to God… SUBMIT my will to HIM and keep on keeping on in HIS strength and HIS wisdom!!!  If I am a saggy package … I am saggy for God!

Okay a bit dramatic?  Thats how you know its me… I am a bit over the top!  I only gained 1.4 pounds taking me right back up to where I was two weeks ago… thinking its a God thing… that is EXACTLY when my thought process went the wrong way… God rebooted my program…

I did do some research and talked with my weight watchers coach, there is hope.  I didn’t gain this weight overnight and it won’t all go away overnight.  I have other things that need to be put into play… surprisingly right in line with what God wants me to work on (why would I be surprised about that)… more on that tomorrow… tonight I just needed to get real… and honestly I needed to do that with a glass of wine … the rest can come with my coffee!

I love you all for finishing this page… please forget about it next time we talk face to face… I will TOTALLY know what you are thinking and we will both be red in the face!!! ROFLWTIME!

LOVE YOU!!
Latte

purpose

If you have talked to me for more than five minutes in the past two weeks, you know I have a new focus word.  The title of my blog is not just a hint … it is precisely that word… PURPOSE it should be more like this:

PURPOSE

and in bright red or neon with fireworks going off all around it and BIG, HUGE, GIANORMOUS FONT!

I don’t listen to God as often as I should.  I tend to do most of the talking (surprised I am sure)… I tend to just ramble off my list of concerns, prayers and questions, comments, annotations and even my very own snitzels of wisdom that I am just so sure God needs to hear from me… I do praise Him, I do thank Him, I do worship and adore Him… but unfortunately I don’t just “be still and know”… that He is God, that He knows me, that He has plans for me, that He has something to say that is infinitely more important than my day-to-day drama…  I have been practicing some spiritual disciplines (thank you Youth Group, you have inspired so much growth for me!) and one of those I am deep into is listening to God.  He has such wisdom to impart on those who take some time to hear.

So right now God wants me to pray about PURPOSE (dang how do I get this thing to go into neon 500 font?).  I originally started praying for my family.  With a husband a year from retirement, two 19 year olds ready to graduate IN 40 DAYS!!! (neon at least!), one searching for her path in art through prayer…and a teenage boy trying to come into his own sense of self… well my family is certainly needing a little bit of purpose.  I felt first called to pray about their purpose… and a few things have come to me:

1) Frank’s turn to be the driving parental force… I need to get out of his way and let God work on him

b) there are many people in my life who can mentor me and whom I can mentor… we need to make time for each other

thirdly) everything in God’s creation has a purpose, I am feeling led to pray for the leadership at my church… Frank has been struggling a bit with direction and PURPOSE in His own ministry… it isn’t enough to have a title or to have a job… you have to be walking in PURPOSE… Frank and I have grown the most when we weren’t doing ‘busy work’ but we were working with PURPOSE!  I want so much for Frank to be able to feel fulfilled in not only his career, and his family but with his ministry in the church as well.

and the last thing that came to me was today… I need to be PURPOSED as well.  As my parenting and family life turns to a new season I need to be praying for my own PURPOSE and what that means for me… I was a bit taken aback when I realized that just because my family has obvious changes going on doesn’t mean that my non-squeaky wheel doesn’t need attention as well.  It’s easy as a mom to sit down and be last in line… and even forget about your own PURPOSE as it gets tied up with kids and husbands so easily.

So this is my prayer for you today… I pray you have ears to hear and a heart to desire the will of God.  I pray you will be able to discern what it is YOU are PURPOSED for and that you have the where-with-all to pursue it!

I am pretty sure I said something similar in another blog!

May you know PURPOSE …

May you know GOD!
Love,
Charlotte